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人群选课 |
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SAT 习作修改之中间段（二）
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作者：邹燕萍 来源：苏州新东方学校 |
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三
When we came back to Suzhou, I began to work harder on my tennis training. Everyday I went to the tennis court after school. From 5p.m. to 8p.m., I 1exert all my strength at training. Everyday I was still training 2while my teammates went home with their parents.
分析：
1 时态的问题请大家一定要注重，确保前后一致。
2 在看这句的时候，突然觉得作者有一点感伤了，看到同学们都和爸妈一起回去了。
3 总体上说训练是一个把不好的记忆变成好记忆的重要过度，还得添加笔墨来加强场景感。
修改：After returning to my hometown, days went on as usual. But that failed experience let me realize that as a tennis player, there was still a long way before me. In order to fill the gap between professional athletes and me, I became harder on myself. Everyday after school I could be spotted walking into the stadium and training painstakingly every night until the security guard hurried me up to leave there. Day in and day out, I kept practicing a series of skills---serving, forehand hitting and backhand returning, dampening one T-shirt after another. But no matter how tired I was, I always bore in mind an idea to beat that man who looked upon me one year ago.
For almost a year, the total practice hours mounted to an amazing __ hours.
四
1 The second year, I joined my final match because my age was too old to join the match. I knew it was my final chance to defeat him. Luckily, we had a battle at the semi-final. 2 The time does not lose the person with high aspirations. Finally, I won the match with the score of 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5. At last, I said, ‘3 You are the loser now. What’s the feeling of it? It’s my pound to interview you.’
分析
1 这个句子有点晦涩，应该是指这个年龄段的比赛以后你就不能参加了。
2 不理解这句话
3 呵呵，实在是太可爱了，我们就顺应他的意思吧。
修改：
One year later, I entered, with great confidence, for the same competition, which would be my final performance since this game was prepared for children aged 8 to 12.
After sweeping all my opponents, I entered the final and, not surprisingly, saw my greatest foe--- Hu, the defending champion.
This time, he paled compared with a new me，who was not only skillful but also determined. Finally, after a two-hour fierce fight, I won the game by 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5.
五 总结例子
From my failure to my win, there is just one year. But it must be the experience I will never forget.
修改：
It takes me one year to turn the failed experience into a victory, during which I not only improved my skills in tennis but more importantly increased my courage to deal with troubles.
2 Can success be disastrous?
学生中间段习作
The examples that success prevented people from moving forward are sufficient in history. (P)
Take Tyson, the successful boxer, as an example. Tyson used to be a little boy living in poverty. He fought with his fists to finally win back fame and money. We say that as a boxer, he was very successful.
分析：成功的细节的营造太少
要去细化抽象词，细节一定要更充实，比如泰森出身布鲁克林（黑人区），拳脚功夫了得，不到20岁时，参加WBC重量级拳王比赛WBC heavyweight champion，不到6分钟击倒前拳王knock out，20岁出头就获得了三大拳击组织的重量级拳王金腰带。
However, success didn’t stimulate him to pursue higher goals; Contrarily, he took advantage of his success by drinking, speeding, and fighting on the street.
分析：过度比较奇怪，一般是写觉得很成功了，不需努力了。
For these behaviors, he paid the bill of his arrogance. He went to jail for several times which directly led to the downfall in his career.
分析：灾难的营造还是缺细节
It was clear that success almost ruined his life. Though used to be a successful boxer, Tyson was more mentioned as a disastrous person.
分析：总结的语言还可以更好看。
修改：
Clearly, too easy and too quick success of Tyson set a stage for his future successive failures for the reason that he was so obsessed with his previous triumph that he could not look into the future.
Therefore, success can be disastrous for individuals themselves when they view their success as a final step.
优秀范文（Joey Qian）借鉴维基百科
Tyson made his professional debut on March 6, 1985, in Albany, New York. He defeated Hector Mercedes via a first round knockout. Fighting frequently in his first two years as a professional, Tyson won 26 of his first 28 fights by knockout - 16 in the first round. His victory attracted media attention, leading to his being billed as the next great heavyweight champion.
He won the WBC title at just 20 years old, 4 months and 22 days old, after defeating Trevor Berbick by a TKO in the second round. In the late 1980s he was the undisputed greatest heavyweight champion of the world.
这里都是围绕成功在营造的
However, by 1990, Tyson seemed to lose the direction due to his over-rapid rise. Instead of devoting himself to practice, he began to throw himself in fun-chasing--- drinking, speeding and womanizing.
过度
Then he reaped what he had sown by losing the championship to Buster Douglas in Tokyo on February 11, 1990.
To be worse, in 1992, Tyson was convicted of sexually assaulting Denzel Washington, for which he served three years in prison. After being released from prison in 1995, he engaged in a series of comeback fights.
He regained a portion of the heavyweight title, but he lost it to Evander Holyfield in a 1996. Their 1997 rematch ended in shocking fashion as Tyson was disqualified for biting off part of Holyfield‘s ear. He fought for a championship again at 35, losing by knockout to Lennox Lewis in 2002.Tyson
On the other hand, 2002.Tyson declared bankruptcy in 2003, despite receiving over US$ 30 million for several of his fights and $300 million during his career.
灾难的细节
Clearly, too easy and too quick success of Tyson set a stage for his future successive failures for the reason that he was so obsessed with his previous triumph that he could not look into the future.
Therefore, success can be disastrous for individuals themselves when they view their success as a final step.
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