1. Is memory a help or a hindrance in helping us learn from the past and succeed in the future?

　　学生习作1
　　On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, 1during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. 2I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. （营造记忆）

　　Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I haven’t lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. （营造收获）

　　分析：
　　1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.
　　2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。
　　3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place was a little crowded
　　4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要哪更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。

　　修改：
　　In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to shoot some photos with my aunt since the most important festival in China, namely, the Spring Festival was approaching. But the photo studio was full of people choosing clothes and making up. It was in such disorder that I lost my cell phone which I had used for two years. This unhappy event almost ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friends and my teachers to have a get-together because I had never backed up their phone numbers before. （营造悲惨记忆）

　　So I began to, from that moment, form a habit of writing down the information of my friends and relatives on my notebook to ensure safety. And up to now, I have got my special address list, with my own notes attached to many numbers showing their relationship with me, their birthday and even their favorite food. For example, Lily, a confidant, likes bananas, born on May 1; Adam is just a fair-weather friend. Interestingly enough, now I find that I could not only recite most important numbers but also strengthened my ties with my true friends. （深化收获）

　　学生习作2（基础一般，笔者把文章拆成了五部分，分别点评）
　　Some failed experiences are useful for us.

　　一.Take myself for as an example. I played tennis at the age of eight. When I was eleven years old, I took part in a Sports Meeting about tennis which was organized by Jiangsu Province, a province in the southeast of China. 1At the beginning of the group match I had won two opponents, but my third opponent, Hu, who was in the Jiangsu 2provinciance’s team, defeated me. The score was 1:6 and 2:6. At the end of our match, he held out his thumb to the ground and said, ‘Loser! You cannot win forever!’
　　I could not forget it after the match, though I would have another doubles match the next day. (营造失败的记忆)

　　分析
　　1.in the first group stage
　　2.provincial team 省队

　　二.1 His words reverberated unceasingly nearby my ear, even in mine dream.

　　The next day, I could not focus on the match. At the beginning of the match, the score was 1:4.
　　2 ‘What are you doing?’ My partner shouted at me while his hand knocked at my head and his arm winded around my shoulder. ‘You shouldn’t pay attention to your failure that was something in the past. And you must focus on this match now!’ He shouted. At last, we won the match and got the prize of 6th that year.

　　分析
　　1 修改：His words stayed in my mind for such a long time that I could not focus my attention on the doubles match the next day.
　　2 呵呵，在这位同学的营造下，他的朋友成了又一个马景涛，很喜欢吼，看过实在忍俊不禁。
　　修改：He, holding out his hand, firstly knocked at my head, had me in his arm and told me some words that I would never forget, ‘Cheer up. Do not cry over the split milk. Just let it go. Put aside the previous failure and try your best in the current match. ’ He drove those words so deep into my heart that I finally made it. Finally, we won the …
　　注：各位要学会多用对话加强真实感。