1 Is memory a help or a hindrance in helping us learn from the past and succeed in the future?

学生习作1

On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, 1during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. 2I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. （营造记忆）

Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I haven't lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. （营造收获）

分析：

1 during强调延续性，in强调一段时间里发生了一件事。所以此处应该改成in.

2 文章采取倒叙手法，所以在2处感觉有一点奇怪，刚刚还是东西被盗，后来心情又好了。

3 不能是你觉得挤，只能是that place was a little crowded

4 文章的深刻度不够，处于4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分数，还得在深刻性上下功夫。个人例子特别适合以情动人。

修改：

In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to shoot some photos with my aunt since the most important festival in China, namely, the Spring Festival was approaching. But the photo studio was full of people choosing clothes and making up. It was in such disorder that I lost my cell phone which I had used for two years. This unhappy event almost ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friends and my teachers to have a get-together because I had never backed up their phone numbers before. （营造悲惨记忆）

So I began to, from that moment, form a habit of writing down the information of my friends and relatives on my notebook to ensure safety. And up to now, I have got my special address list, with my own notes attached to many numbers showing their relationship with me, their birthday and even their favorite food. For example, Lily, a confidant, likes bananas, born on May 1; Adam is just a fair-weather friend. Interestingly enough, now I find that I could not only recite most important numbers but also strengthened my ties with my true friends. （深化收获）

学生习作2（基础一般，笔者把文章拆成了五部分，分别点评）

Some failed experiences are useful for us.

一

Take myself for as an example. I played tennis at the age of eight. When I was eleven years old, I took part in a Sports Meeting about tennis which was organized by Jiangsu Province, a province in the southeast of China. 1At the beginning of the group match I had won two opponents, but my third opponent, Hu, who was in the Jiangsu 2provinciance's team, defeated me. The score was 1:6 and 2:6. At the end of our match, he held out his thumb to the ground and said, ‘Loser! You cannot win forever!'

I could not forget it after the match, though I would have another doubles match the next day. (营造失败的记忆)

分析

•1 in the first group stage

•2 provincial team 省队

二

1 His words reverberated unceasingly nearby my ear, even in mine dream.

The next day, I could not focus on the match. At the beginning of the match, the score was 1:4.

2 ‘What are you doing?' My partner shouted at me while his hand knocked at my head and his arm winded around my shoulder. ‘You shouldn't pay attention to your failure that was something in the past. And you must focus on this match now!' He shouted. At last, we won the match and got the prize of 6th that year.

分析

1 修改：His words stayed in my mind for such a long time that I could not focus my attention on the doubles match the next day.

2 呵呵，在这位同学的营造下，他的朋友成了又一个马景涛，很喜欢吼，看过实在忍俊不禁。

修改：He, holding out his hand, firstly knocked at my head, had me in his arm and told me some words that I would never forget, ‘Cheer up. Do not cry over the split milk. Just let it go. Put aside the previous failure and try your best in the current match. ' He drove those words so deep into my heart that I finally made it. Finally, we won the ...

注：各位要学会多用对话加强真实感。

三

When we came back to Suzhou, I began to work harder on my tennis training. Everyday I went to the tennis court after school. From 5p.m. to 8p.m., I ¹exert all my strength at training. Everyday I was still training ²while my teammates went home with their parents.

分析：

1 时态的问题请大家一定要注重，确保前后一致。

2 在看这句的时候，突然觉得作者有一点感伤了，看到同学们都和爸妈一起回去了。

3 总体上说训练是一个把不好的记忆变成好记忆的重要过度，还得添加笔墨来加强场景感。

修改：After returning to my hometown, days went on as usual. But that failed experience let me realize that as a tennis player, there was still a long way before me. In order to fill the gap between professional athletes and me, I became harder on myself. Everyday after school I could be spotted walking into the stadium and training painstakingly every night until the security guard hurried me up to leave there. Day in and day out, I kept practicing a series of skills---serving, forehand hitting and backhand returning, dampening one T-shirt after another. But no matter how tired I was, I always bore in mind an idea to beat that man who looked upon me one year ago.

For almost a year, the total practice hours mounted to an amazing __ hours.

四

¹ The second year, I joined my final match because my age was too old to join the match. I knew it was my final chance to defeat him. Luckily, we had a battle at the semi-final. ² The time does not lose the person with high aspirations. Finally, I won the match with the score of 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5. At last, I said, ‘³ You are the loser now. What's the feeling of it? It's my pound to interview you.'

分析

1 这个句子有点晦涩，应该是指这个年龄段的比赛以后你就不能参加了。

2 不理解这句话

3 呵呵，实在是太可爱了，我们就顺应他的意思吧。

修改：

One year later, I entered, with great confidence, for the same competition, which would be my final performance since this game was prepared for children aged 8 to 12.

After sweeping all my opponents, I entered the final and, not surprisingly, saw my greatest foe--- Hu, the defending champion.

This time, he paled compared with a new me，who was not only skillful but also determined. Finally, after a two-hour fierce fight, I won the game by 7:5, 4:6 and 7:5.

五 总结例子

From my failure to my win, there is just one year. But it must be the experience I will never forget.

修改：

It takes me one year to turn the failed experience into a victory, during which I not only improved my skills in tennis but more importantly increased my courage to deal with troubles.

2 Can success be disastrous?

学生中间段习作

The examples that success prevented people from moving forward are sufficient in history. (P)

Take Tyson, the successful boxer, as an example. Tyson used to be a little boy living in poverty. He fought with his fists to finally win back fame and money. We say that as a boxer, he was very successful.

分析：成功的细节的营造太少

要去细化抽象词，细节一定要更充实，比如泰森出身布鲁克林（黑人区），拳脚功夫了得，不到20岁时，参加WBC重量级拳王比赛WBC heavyweight champion，不到6分钟击倒前拳王knock out，20岁出头就获得了三大拳击组织的重量级拳王金腰带。

However, success didn't stimulate him to pursue higher goals; Contrarily, he took advantage of his success by drinking, speeding, and fighting on the street.

分析：过度比较奇怪，一般是写觉得很成功了，不需努力了。

For these behaviors, he paid the bill of his arrogance. He went to jail for several times which directly led to the downfall in his career.

分析：灾难的营造还是缺细节

It was clear that success almost ruined his life. Though used to be a successful boxer, Tyson was more mentioned as a disastrous person.

分析：总结的语言还可以更好看。

修改：

Clearly, too easy and too quick success of Tyson set a stage for his future successive failures for the reason that he was so obsessed with his previous triumph that he could not look into the future.

Therefore, success can be disastrous for individuals themselves when they view their success as a final step.

优秀范文（Joey Qian）借鉴维基百科

Tyson made his professional debut on March 6, 1985, in Albany, New York. He defeated Hector Mercedes via a first round knockout. Fighting frequently in his first two years as a professional, Tyson won 26 of his first 28 fights by knockout - 16 in the first round. His victory attracted media attention, leading to his being billed as the next great heavyweight champion.

He won the WBC title at just 20 years old, 4 months and 22 days old, after defeating Trevor Berbick by a TKO in the second round. In the late 1980s he was the undisputed greatest heavyweight champion of the world.

这里都是围绕成功在营造的

However, by 1990, Tyson seemed to lose the direction due to his over-rapid rise. Instead of devoting himself to practice, he began to throw himself in fun-chasing--- drinking, speeding and womanizing.

过度

Then he reaped what he had sown by losing the championship to Buster Douglas in Tokyo on February 11, 1990.

To be worse, in 1992, Tyson was convicted of sexually assaulting Denzel Washington, for which he served three years in prison. After being released from prison in 1995, he engaged in a series of comeback fights.

He regained a portion of the heavyweight title, but he lost it to Evander Holyfield in a 1996. Their 1997 rematch ended in shocking fashion as Tyson was disqualified for biting off part of Holyfield‘s ear. He fought for a championship again at 35, losing by knockout to Lennox Lewis in 2002.Tyson

On the other hand, 2002.Tyson declared bankruptcy in 2003, despite receiving over US$ 30 million for several of his fights and $300 million during his career.

灾难的细节

Clearly, too easy and too quick success of Tyson set a stage for his future successive failures for the reason that he was so obsessed with his previous triumph that he could not look into the future.

Therefore, success can be disastrous for individuals themselves when they view their success as a final step.

最后总结议论

3 Are there benefits to be gained from avoiding the use of modern technology, even when using it would make life easier?

新加坡学生范文（Gao Han）

At the age of 15, as an exchange student, I was sent to Singapore for one year on an exchange program between my high school, Suzhou High School, and it's sister school, Lihua High School in Singapore.

It was computer, a typical example of modern technology, that assisted me in solving quite a few annoying problems. (重要点题)

It was my first time to go abroad and be away from my family and friends for such a long time. In the beginning, I found it very difficult to adapt myself to the new conditions: I had to speak English under all circumstances and accept a completely new timetable and replaced the old one which had been used for years.

Every time I had lunch in the school dining hall, the dishes in front of me could always reminded me of traditional Chinese food made by my mother in my own country and therefore strong homesickness was aroused. (营造不适应)

Thanks to the computer for letting me have access to my family and friends through Internet to alleviate my homesickness. At a particular time, usually at 9p.m., after finishing my academic work, I would have a friendly talk with my parents through MSN or sometimes a warm call with my friends by using SKYPE. I shared my happy and sorrow experiences with them and sent them photos of my current situation. （营造技术）

With the help of computers, I, in Singapore, could easily contact with my family and friends in China at any time. Also, computers helped me a lot in my schoolwork. It was not easy for me to suddenly switch from studying in Chinese to studying in English. The terminology in textbooks confused me and set barriers in my learning process. It was again computers that solved the problem for me. I took my laptop with me all the time in the library. As soon as I came across something confusing I could go to Wikipedia® and check it out. I used computers to do presentations and save my study profiles as well. （营造适应之后的生活）

From my personal experience, computers do provide convenience for me and help me deal with problems that cannot be worked out in other ways. I could not imagine what my life in Singapore would be if I had no computers around. Thus I can say that no advantages are to be achieved by the devoid of using modern technology. (总结议论)

分析：新加坡同学的功底一般都比较好，文章可以提高的是细节的营造，尤其是因特网这个现代技术营造的不够。这是一篇可以冲高分的个人例子，还可以营造的更具有真情实感。

下面是笔者修改的文章，其中气候这一点营造的很不好。写完之后同学们说还是苏州热吧，新加坡还行。呵呵，由于笔者是土鳖一族，希望大家见谅了。

At the age of 16, offered a four-year scholarship by the Ministry of Education in Singapore, I left my homeland China and began to study in River Valley High School in Singapore. But the first few months there almost drove me crazy during which I had to adjust to a brand new circumstance. （背景）

Precisely, the weather there was more than uncomfortable compared with my hometown ---Suzhou, a medium-sized city in China with a cool and pleasant weather. I could hardly adjust myself to the heat of Singapore. More than that, the language was also a big barrier. All of my teachers and classmates spoke in English with a strange Singaporean accent, which was totally unfamiliar to me. So be it in a class or a restaurant, misunderstanding frequently arose, which greatly hampered my communication with the native people. （营造前两点不适应）

At the same time, I also came upon another problem, namely, so many unexpected extra curriculums, such as band, choir and badminton. As a typical Chinese student, I paid much of my attention to study since I was a primary school student, hardly playing in the sports field or attending musical groups. But at that time, no one thought it was a problem as most of my teachers would only point at my high scores and laughed broadly. But in Singapore, extra curriculums are an essential index in weighing the overall performance of a student. So I had no way but to attend a choir, but I was at a loss, for I was not accustomed to singing before the audience. （第三点不适应）

注: 考试时候可以不用三点全写，只需要挑选一到两点即可。

Fortunately, I got a helper--- my laptop. Every night at 9 p.m, I would turn on my computer, using MSN to communicate my mom and dad. This moment was invaluable to me as I could speak out my inner thoughts, release my pressure and more importantly get the courage to try again.

My mom was consistently patient and considerate, who gave me comfort and encouragement. In my first few months in Singapore she would often say, ‘Stop complaining. You have to change yourself as you could not change the circumstance. If you feel hot, take off your coat and drink more water. Maybe you feel alienated, but you know we are always standing behind you. You are not alone. If you think you are not good at singing, you could practice more before me and your father. We are forever your sincere fans.' She drove those words so deep into my heart that I finally made it. (这里重点叙述因特网的重要性)

Half a year later, I gradually got used to my new life in Singapore. Though it was still hot, I began to enjoy wearing various kinds of nice T-shirts all the year around. Though my classmates and teachers still spoke differently from me, I began to enjoy mimicking their unique accent perfectly. Though I was still a little shy when I was singing before strangers, I began to enjoy my voice. I even became an honorable treasurer of the Scholar Committee organized by the Ministry of Education.

Looking back, had it not been for the Internet, a fantastic product of modern technology, I would not have brought out the best of me, who could sing happily before a large crowd and talk excitedly with a lot of Singaporean friends in a tropical country. （营造生活变好）

Therefore, it is clear that the advent of modern technology contributed a lot in offering us a better life. (总结)

复习提示：

1 动手写属于你自己的素材吧，考官其实非常期待能通过你的例子看到你的最大特质。

2 准备一些名人的素材, 让自己变的更为学术。

3 动手写例子。